I don’t know how I feel…

I don’t know what to feel…

I think I’m going bananas…

I can’t get a grip on myself…

But whatever!

Every so often I think it is okay to go crazy if that’s the only way for one to find his/her own sanity. And I am crazy as hell right now but I figured a few things out already. I may be incessantly and effectively acting tough but I am not invincible, you know. People think I am this and that but they really do not totally know me. And, yes, I am no Superwoman. Well, not “super” Superwoman. If you think so, now then I have my own kryptonite. Yes, I scar and I bleed and sometimes it takes me a dreadfully long time to heal. At times, the pain goes increasingly piercing, cringe-making even, through time – like poison traveling through your veins, discreet at first yet ultimately paralyzing. And it is only then that you learn you have been wounded and all along you have, in fact, been failing inside.

I can't take the distance

I can't take the miles

I can't take the time until I next see you smile

I can't take the distance

And I'm not ashamed

That with every breath I take I'm callin’ your name

Perhaps, it is true that I am an emotional cripple. Perhaps, you have been incredibly patient and now have decided to move on. Perhaps, it was my entire fault because I am a numb, nitpicky, lily-livered person who was just masking her unfounded fears. I do not know how to deal with these things and, more often than not, I am left alone wondering, shrouded in remorse and bitterness.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

Nevertheless, I am currently, in no doubt, hurting and it is my foolish heart’s fault. But just like what Beverley Knight said: “Shoulda, woulda, (and) coulda are the last words of a fool.” And so, here I am, still with leftover feelings, trying to move on and albeit this distance and coldness is crushing me, I would dare brave it.

I still believe my feelings

But sometimes I feel too much

I make believe you're close to me

But it ain't close enough

Not nearly close enough

...

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should have known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do…

It’s over and done.

Here, I park.

Song lines from Evan and Jaron's "The Distance", John Mayer's "Dreaming with a Broken Heart", and A Fine Frenzy's "Almost Lover".
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