♣♣♣

When spirit fails

Gone in circles

An aimless flight

I am scared.

When thunder rumbles

Hollow waves gush

A restless night

I am scared.

When shadows enfold

Hadal silence

Drowns out of sight

I am scared.

When love then subsides

Dour solitude

I seek to fight

I am scared.

When tender wound heals

To unlock door

Whilst it feels right

I am scared.

♣♣♣

There are only a few things in life that I truly fear. These are 1) things that are out of my control; 2) exceptionally frightening gigantic waves; 3) total darkness; 4) getting my heart broken or a failed relationship; and 5) purely giving someone my heart.

It actually takes a lot of guts to divulge one’s 'Achilles' Heel' but I personally believe I have nothing to lose. This, in fact, helps me a lot in understanding myself more – what needs to be improved and what has to be thrashed.

Ever since I was little, I have been a monster control-freak. I hate it when things don’t go my way; I only enjoy things that are within my control. Thus, my irrevocable dislike of roller coasters. Unlike bump cars which I dearly fancied as you get to steer the wheel and decide wherever you want to go, with roller coasters you are the one being manipulated and you never know what could happen next. But don’t misconstrue that as favoring predictability – I love surprises and random things as well.

Although my dad’s a ship’s captain, I have always hated the waves – especially the huge ones! It just makes me nauseous. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy looking at the sea and the serenity it brings but sailing on it or swimming in it is rather a different story. Especially if you just get hit by the waves and you get knocked down to the seafloor with all those creepy entangling underwater creatures surrounding you. Eeek! Sea anemones are cool though.

I sleep with the light on, there you go. I bet some of you didn’t know that I am afraid of the dark. It is basically due to the fact that I was blessed with an over-imaginative mind which makes me hallucinate from time to time and this freaks me out in the middle of the night. It’s weird but darkness makes me see things and at times it suffocates me. Thus, making a lampshade or even a mere flashlight a requirement whenever I go to sleep.

4 and 5 are very much connected. Although 4 is more of like me being afraid of failures. I can't bear them. Rejections or closed doors, defeats, slip-ups, and things like that – they all sting like hell. The idea of being a failure is even more sickening. This pride of mine is the reason why it hurts a great deal. I got a big ego and a tiny scratch on this could make me suffer grievously.

Truth be told, I’m terrified of commitment all because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m scared of the pain, of the shame, and of the hard blow to my huge ego that disastrous relationships ultimately bring. Then again, why the hell would I be scared of a failed relationship when I don’t even want to start one?

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Just as the star was brightest of all, it unexploded itself. It became a simple star again, so unremarkable. I couldn't even pick it out.

Isang Pagsilip sa Ari, Uri, at Lahi ni Dana Eve Valencia

ABANGAN!

Si Eba: Ang modernong dalagang nagbibinata

Si Danita: Ang mula sa angkan ng mga “panginoong may lupa”

Ako si Danita. Kulay mais ang buhok; isa raw na elitista. Laking-siyudad; pinalaking bratinella. Prinsesa sa bahay; reyna ng sariling buhay.

Si Bebang Loka: Ang mahilig daw sa banana

Ako si Bebang Loka. Pinay sa kulay, ilong, at hugis ng mata. Subalit dahil sa makapal na eyeliner at kulay-kalawang na buhok ay madalas na napagkakamalang banyaga.

Since I’ve ran out of zany topics and trash-talks, I’m gonna share with you my experiences abroad (which I hope are quite interesting). First off is my quick trip to Dutch East Indies -- Indonesia! In an archipelago named Riau, lays the majestic island of Batam. It was a crazy morning I had just from the nauseous ferry trip and so when my 'rents and I arrived at Batam Center Ferry Terminal, it was such a relief to spot a peaceful town filled with lovely people.

Our first stop was Waterfront City where you can do lots of fun stuff like parasailing, bungee jumping, jet skiing, and more. I’m not really sure where exactly or what’s the name of the place but I did some go-karting too which was a lot of fun!

After that, we had lunch in a seafood restaurant built on wood and bamboo overlooking the sea view of north eastern coast of Batam. The food, however, I didn’t really enjoy that much. All I saw were pots and dishes of orangey soup and vegetables! No offense but I’m not exactly a fan of spicy chows. The only things I enjoyed there were the magnificent seascape and the delightful coconut juice. Hahah!

Then, we headed to a village called Kampong where we were entertained by the villagers with their amusing performance of the traditional Kuda Lumping Dance. It was absolutely wonderful.

A good trip never ends without a visit to the shopping district and so we went to Nagoya – the center of business and commerce in Batam. This unique town (with a Japanese name) has the biggest malls on the island. I got the chance to toddle around Ramayana Shopping Center and Mega Mall Batam Center. Although the shopping malls there are nothing compared to the ones here in the Philippines, I did enjoy just walking around, enjoying the people’s culture, and talking to different people. The Indonesians are just incredibly nice and awesome people, I dare say. Actually, there was an incident where I was approached by some store employees and asked me if I was an actress or something. That was deucedly hilarious! Also, I learned a lot from Indonesian artists. I happened to pass by an art gallery where I met an extraordinary painter who introduced to me a new style of painting. He paints and designs various crafts with images of palms, dolphins, and shells – all of which are breathtaking. It was because of his influence that I began painting aquatic images and the like. His skill and style had that enormous impact on my creations until today.

After a few hours of shopping, our tour guide led us to the great Balerang Bridge where, for some weird reason, I took most of the pictures. The bridge was so highly elevated that people actually go there to jump off when they're heartbroken bungee jump.

No doubt, Batam is a wonderful place for a getaway! I had one of the grandest times of my life there. However, next time I’ll head off to Jakarta for a more incredible nightlife experience. Hahah!

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Arrrgh! I’ve been waiting (emphasis on WAIT) and right about now it seemed like forever. Before, you go 200++ kB/s BUT now you surge less than 40 kB/s!?! What the hell is wrong with you!?! Gawd! (No, I’m not crazy and yes, I’m speaking to my Torrent DLer.) And since you are so stupidly sluggish (I’m still talking to the DLer…), I’m gonna talk about other stuff for the time being. So yeah, I’ve been staring at the computer screen waiting for a certain movie to be DLed. This ‘certain movie’ is some American film with witty Chinese characters and I heard it’s actually pretty cool and pretty useful since the Chinese actors in the film have pretty awesome English grammars and vocabularies. Oh! Hear, hear! I’m actually excited to see this one ‘coz it’s been eons since I’ve watched non-shallow, non-asinine actresses and scenes that will force you to activate your brain cells once in a while. Regarding the Chinese, I really think they have a cute accent especially when they’re speaking in English (with an adorable American tone). I just can’t get enough of it! I just wanna throw myself at them when they chatter so fast with that accent! Mmmm! Okay, this is way too much – bordering on lunacy already. Hmmm… let me check out the “Queen of all Trash-talking Media” Perez Hilton’s site. Maybe there will be some scorching attention-grabbing gossip…

33m 48s.

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Natalie Portman. Hmmm… ‘Equating’ burger-munchers (like me!) to rapists, eh?! Not a very smart thing to say, Nat. That’s too much; it’s bollocks! For a second, I actually ‘equated’ your obsession to vegan diet to whacko Tom Cruise’s devotion, even the mere belief, to Scientology. Too much! Tsk tsk.

Miley Cyrus getting nasty… She’s growing up, people! Grow up! Sheesh. (Oh! I just remembered… I love her new song “Party in the USA”! Hahah! Admit it, it’s contagious... “And the Jay-Z song was on! And the Jay-Z song was onnnn!!!” LOL) PLUS the Miley-freak who would apparently kill her cat Fuzzy just to get Miley back to Twitter!! Sister, you have gone off your rocker!

Eeeekkk! So anyway, I just saw the latest photo of Jocelyn Wildenstein and it freaked me out! You know what? I’m really concerned about that lady. Her face is traumatizingly hideous and now I’m rather bothered that Courtney Love is hanging out with her because the latter is also on her way to the Wall of Weirdos. I guess we, human beings, are nonplussed (I just thought of using this word because it sounds intellectual for some reason) whether Wildenstein’s face is yet humanly or what. I mean, she’s akin to a melting plastic Barbie Tranny doll! Okay, so enough with the trash-talking.

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Another topic: yeah, let’s talk about footprints or the imprints left when someone dies. For the past few months, I have been dealing with consecutive deaths and it’s somewhat depressing to mull over it. Yet on a lighter note, the mania after someone’s death is rather fascinating. I was talking to my mom (a karaoke fanatic) while she was having a pedicure and she said she wants to sing this Kenny Rogers song. I was like, “Isn’t he dead already?” And Mom replied, “No, he is not (yet)!” So I was like “Oooh! He’s the epic owner of Kenny Rogers Roasters epic chain of restaurants, right? (like DUH?!) I bet if he dies he’ll be a legend -- just like MJ and Cory Aquino.” Then, I thought of other celebrities – Oprah Winfrey, for instance. I’m certain that she’ll be more than a legend. U.S. will probably declare an Oprah Day in memory of her. I mean, she’s like a saint! She’s done sooo much for humanity. And don’t we all feel just so damn lucky we were able to live in a parallel lifetime with Oprah? The world will surely go nuts – liters of tears tantamount to the Pacific Ocean’s will be shed, and televisions will be featuring her and it will last for months, years even. I’m not sure about the suicidal groups though BUT there will be monuments, tribute concerts, books, aid organizations in her name, and a lot more. Whew… that was long.

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I wanna blog about my ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) because it kinda bothers me. For the first time, I’m gonna face and try to beat the living daylights (I just thought it’s about time to use this idiom) out of my own demons, my nightmare. Welcome to the darkside, D. Wow.

Anyhoo, according to Wikipedia, people with ADHD have predominantly inattentive type symptoms. Let’s review the following symptoms to confirm if I really have ADHD:

• Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another – CHECK!
• Have difficulty focusing on one thing – CHECK!
• Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless they are doing something enjoyable – CHECK!
• Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing and completing a task or learning something new – CHECK!
• Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities – errr, CHECK!
• Not seem to listen when spoken to – CHEEEEECK!!!
• Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly – CHECK! (not sure about moving slow though)
• Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others – CHECK!
• Struggle to follow instructions. – Hmmm… CHECK?!

Predominantly hyperactive-impulsive type symptoms may include:

• Fidget and squirm in their seats – Hahah! CHECK!
• Talk nonstop – Laladilala! CHECK!!!
• Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight – It’s fun though… CHECK!
• Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and story time – In class and meetings, yeah! CHECK!
• Be constantly in motion – Well, I’m naturally like that. CHECK!
• Have difficulty doing quiet tasks or activities. – Errrr… CHECK???

and also these manifestations primarily of impulsivity:

• Be very impatient – 100% CHECK!
• Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences – I have a lot of slip-ups due to my big mouth. CHECK!
• Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turns in games – Just like what I’m feeling this very moment! CHECKKK!!!! (Oh noessss!)
  

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Hmmm… Seems like I indeed have ADHD... Without a doubt! Hahaha! Should I be afraid? Now, I find this revelation quite disturbing so I’ll go (maybe seclude myself for a while to contemplate) and perhaps check out this 'certain movie' that’s already been downloaded. Yatta! Ta~ta!

I miss blogging about boys. Haha! So now I'm gonna reveal...