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When spirit fails

Gone in circles

An aimless flight

I am scared.

When thunder rumbles

Hollow waves gush

A restless night

I am scared.

When shadows enfold

Hadal silence

Drowns out of sight

I am scared.

When love then subsides

Dour solitude

I seek to fight

I am scared.

When tender wound heals

To unlock door

Whilst it feels right

I am scared.

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There are only a few things in life that I truly fear. These are 1) things that are out of my control; 2) exceptionally frightening gigantic waves; 3) total darkness; 4) getting my heart broken or a failed relationship; and 5) purely giving someone my heart.

It actually takes a lot of guts to divulge one’s 'Achilles' Heel' but I personally believe I have nothing to lose. This, in fact, helps me a lot in understanding myself more – what needs to be improved and what has to be thrashed.

Ever since I was little, I have been a monster control-freak. I hate it when things don’t go my way; I only enjoy things that are within my control. Thus, my irrevocable dislike of roller coasters. Unlike bump cars which I dearly fancied as you get to steer the wheel and decide wherever you want to go, with roller coasters you are the one being manipulated and you never know what could happen next. But don’t misconstrue that as favoring predictability – I love surprises and random things as well.

Although my dad’s a ship’s captain, I have always hated the waves – especially the huge ones! It just makes me nauseous. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy looking at the sea and the serenity it brings but sailing on it or swimming in it is rather a different story. Especially if you just get hit by the waves and you get knocked down to the seafloor with all those creepy entangling underwater creatures surrounding you. Eeek! Sea anemones are cool though.

I sleep with the light on, there you go. I bet some of you didn’t know that I am afraid of the dark. It is basically due to the fact that I was blessed with an over-imaginative mind which makes me hallucinate from time to time and this freaks me out in the middle of the night. It’s weird but darkness makes me see things and at times it suffocates me. Thus, making a lampshade or even a mere flashlight a requirement whenever I go to sleep.

4 and 5 are very much connected. Although 4 is more of like me being afraid of failures. I can't bear them. Rejections or closed doors, defeats, slip-ups, and things like that – they all sting like hell. The idea of being a failure is even more sickening. This pride of mine is the reason why it hurts a great deal. I got a big ego and a tiny scratch on this could make me suffer grievously.

Truth be told, I’m terrified of commitment all because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m scared of the pain, of the shame, and of the hard blow to my huge ego that disastrous relationships ultimately bring. Then again, why the hell would I be scared of a failed relationship when I don’t even want to start one?

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Just as the star was brightest of all, it unexploded itself. It became a simple star again, so unremarkable. I couldn't even pick it out.